Thursday, April 03, 2008

News from Nowhere: Reviews from Doctor Who's Future

[having fallen through a wormhole in space-time or some such convenient plot device, Half a Dozen Streets presents reviews of Season 30 of Doctor Who - before it's even started!]

The Predictably Brookery and Negative Review of Doctor Who Yet to Come


I swear, this is the last series that I bother watching of the "new and improved" Doctor Who under Russell T Davies' inept hand. I've made allowances and given him chance after chance, forgiving him for a succession of crap two parters, mooning teenage companions and scripts so devoid of plot that they most closely resemble a void inside a vacuum all wrapped up in Jeffrey Archer's prison diary. I've tried so hard to put up with farting aliens and drunken Doctors, tried not to moan about the Daleks appearing in every second episode and swallowed whole the 're-imagining' of the Cybermen as walking catchphrases for future action figures.

But enough is enough. This last season (season 30, to be exact, not series 4 you tiresome idiot) has plumbed depths unconsidered even by Graham Williams.

Granted, Steven Moffat's 'Silence in the Library'/'Rivers Run' two parter was as good as his previous offerings and Gareth Roberts was as reliable as ever (and didn't the wasp look cool!) but that doesn't make up for another weary trudge through Davies' usual lack of interesting ideas, culminating in a resumption of his love affair with uber-chav Rose Tyler in the fanwank, fanfic disaster which was the season finale.

Davies gets more and more like the pervy old man version of Robert Heinlein by the day, tying everything he's every written in New Who into an abortive, tangled and blood-soaked unity which only he truly cares about. Should he do a fifth season I confidently expect the Doctor, Martha, the TARDIS, Harriet Jones, a Slitheen, Cassandra, that girl's head from 'Love and Monsters' that gives blowjobs, Sarah-Jane, the sonic screwdriver and Cap'n Jack's knob to merge into one single being which will then spend the entire season copulating frantically with itself until it explodes in a monumental deluge of seminal fluid which rips the cosmos apart and frees Rose from her other Universe prison, allowing her to take up her rightful place as Queen of Just About Fucking Everything.

God I almost miss Pip and Jane Baker...

The Astonishingly Positive and LJ-esque Review of Doctor Who Yet To Come

Well that was amazing! ZOMG!! Squee!!! Kittens!!!!

Yeah, so the naysayers and negativity bots can moan all they want to about plots and stuff, they just don't understand about allegry and myths and that. So what if the wasp is too big to survive on a wasp diet? It's a space wasp, it prolly doesn't eat honey and flowers like normal Earth wasps, it prolly eats stuff on the solar wind or something! RTD doesnt need to spell everything out you know he treats the fans like grownups and lets us fill in bits for ourselves. Thats what interactive television is!

And anyway what about 10Docs glasses? With green frames this time! How does RTD think that stuff up? Its like hes a brilliant giant story robot or something!!

And Rose is back!!!!!! And she looked totally gorgeous and you could see 10 totally wanted to get into her which was the gr8st thing since God I dont know Bianca coming back in Eastenders!!!! Not like that old slapper from Spaced he got married to (but not really) last year. Guess we all know that RTD never wrote that one, eh?!?!?

And the Daleks!!!!!! There are kind of people inside of them and their not robots after all!!!!! Russell Davies is just amazing at thinking new stuff up like that. I said to my mate Kerry that I thought I would of wet myself when that big dalek appeared but luckily for me my mum came in then and said Ryan was at the door and so I got my attention taking off the telly and when I finished telling him that I knew ALL about him and Ashley Dr Who was over anyway. Still I got to see David Tennent looking all sad and that at the end and I swear I would of been crying too if I knew what was going on then.

Best Doctor Who Series Ever.

I wonder when Robin Hoods back on, that actor that plays Robin is well fit?

Jonn's Review of Doctor Who Yet to Come [edited by site owner]*

Russell T Davies is a very canny writer. In his view, you can't have a Family of Blood every week because it would inevitably lose its impact. And so we start the season with entertaining fluff and then proceed from there [through] ...allegory... [to]...myth ...even... though... [this i]s... obviously... loads...of... great...[ steaming bollocks].

From the very first moment of Partners in Crime where it [all makes no sense unless you bend both the laws of physics and the need for intelligent narrative, it] is clear that [Rusty can't wait to get Rose back in the show and] the show is geared towards a gradual [decline in quality even compared to crap like Gridlock from last year and not at all aiming for a] ramping up in tension and drama, leavened by [Steven Moffat's scripts which frankly struggled to make up for the dross which is Rusty's attempts at] comedy and even [his even more ludicrously OTT and embarrassing stabs at] bathos, the only conclusion one can reach is that this is the gr[av]est [disaster of a] season of Doctor Who yet seen.

I [loathed] every minute of it.

* And with apologies to Mr Elledge :)

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14 Comments:

Blogger Scott Liddell said...

That's a great idea for a blog post, wish I had thought to suggest to you to do it...

2:06 pm  
Blogger Stuart Douglas said...

Don't beat yourself up about it - we can't all come up with these great ideas! Your own series of 'lists of stuff I've done recently' posts was quite adequate, after all.

And it's the execution that counts, of course :)

2:43 pm  
Blogger SAF said...

That's just too funny. Saves me from having to read pretty much *any* mailing list posts for the next, oh, 13 weeks or so... :)))

2:45 pm  
Blogger Stuart Douglas said...

SAF: "Saves me from having to read pretty much *any* mailing list posts for the next, oh, 13 weeks or so..."

Saves me having to write any either :)

2:47 pm  
Blogger Scott Liddell said...

Polemic worthy of Zola...

5:46 pm  
Blogger SAF said...

Scott: "Polemic worthy of Zola..."

Budd?

She did her polemic barefoot, you know.

6:41 pm  
Blogger Stuart Douglas said...

Scott: "Polemic worthy of Zola..."

Polemic? Me?

SAF: "She did her polemic barefoot, you know"

It's obviously a reference to my new-found gym obsession :)

6:59 pm  
Blogger TimeWarden said...

Don’t forget to tune into “Doctor Who” this Saturday evening, at 8.30pm on BBC Four, for what promises to be the start of an exciting adventure!

3:42 pm  
Blogger Scott Liddell said...

SAF: "Budd?"

No, Gianfranco, he of the shaggy hair and mercurial talents.

I'd better stop chatting, Stuart will get worried that I'm stealing his blog friends be being more interesting than him.

That said, my latest post is a must read...

5:36 pm  
Blogger Stuart Douglas said...

TW: "Don’t forget to tune into “Doctor Who” this Saturday evening, at 8.30pm on BBC Four, for what promises to be the start of an exciting adventure!"

Hee hee. Quite!

Scott: "That said, my latest post is a must read..."

God, I thought turning off anonymous posting would get rid of all the comments spam :)

6:12 pm  
Blogger SAF said...

Scott: "I'd better stop chatting, Stuart will get worried that I'm stealing his blog friends be being more interesting than him."

Didn't you hear? He's trying to get rid of some of his more interesting blog friends. ;)

2:08 pm  
Blogger Stuart Douglas said...

SAF: "He's trying to get rid of some of his more interesting blog friends. ;)"

Don't think of it as being got rid of, think of it as stream-lining :)

3:09 pm  
Blogger goofy said...

What would it take you to stop watching Doctor Who?

2:26 am  
Blogger Stuart Douglas said...

goofy: "What would it take you to stop watching Doctor Who?"

Nuclear Armageddon, I suspect :)

But these are exaggerated spoof reviews, not representing even my own genuine opinion - and I loved 'Partners in Crime' on Saturday (and shall write a review today praising it to the stars!)

8:09 am  

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