To the Doctor - a Daughter!

I'm sorely tempted not to bother saying anything about The Doctor's Daughter, but instead just post a handful of spoof Doctor Who spin-offs. That seems both less painful for me and perfectly appropriate given the conclusion of this truly dire story.

But if I don't vent even a little then I'll end up with some kind of televisual reflux and be throwing up little bits of bad dialogue and snippets of wooden acting into my mouth for days.

So I'll try to think of some good points first...

1. I liked the scene with Donna's womanly wiles being downplayed. It made the Doctor look like a prat again by having him tell his mate she's a boiler and by having him happy to pimp his daughter to any passing soldier, but at least it brought a smile to my face.
2. Jenny saying the Sonic Screwdriver was a weapon and the Doctor denying it adds weight to my personal theory that the screwdriver/weapon debate is important this season (though since that point has been hammered home with all the subtlety of a Pro-Life placard it's hardly a boast to claim that as a 'personal theory')
3. The scene where Jenny's two hearts are discovered would have been quite nice had it not been for Murray 'Bleeding Obvious' Gold's score skittering all over it.
4. That's it for the positive.

Negatives, then. Hmm, where to start...

1. It looked awful. The Hath resembled nothing so much as Mighty Morphin Power Rangers baddies. The sets were cheap looking even by 1970s Who standards. But winner of worst non-acting and non-story moment is the shot of Martha and one of the Hath when they first go onto the planet surface - do you remember the matting shot in Caves of Androzani? The really crap one that the Restoration Team fixed for the dvd release? Yeah well, that original shot was WETA level cgi magic compared to the Knightmare standard seen here.
2. Freema Agyeman as Martha. At first I thought it was because she's playing alongside the majestic Catherine Tate, but now I just think she's rubbish. Her 'My name is Martha Jones and who the hell are you?' speech might be the worst bit of acting on Who since Joan Sims played Katryca in The Mysterious Planet.
3. The Doctor's journey (it 'changes everything' according to writer Stephen Greenhorn, but he created the River City so cannot be trusted with anything). Ah yes, that'll be the journey from here to just over there. Actually, maybe not as far as all the way over there. More like from here to the fridge (you have to be me, sitting in the kitchen as I am, reaching out to get a beer from the fridge to get the full impact of my withering sarcasm there).
4. The lazy-to-the-point-of-coma science. This doesn't usually bother me - the series is based on a near immortal man travelling through time in a police box after all - but when the clone isn't a clone at all but someone abit like the donor and appears fully clothed; when the terraforming machine appears to be a special gas that brings people back to life; and when a war lasting seven days is one which has gone on for 'generations' even though at least one person is clearly many years older than that - well, a line has to be drawn somewhere. And in this case that line is so far behind Greenhorn's script that I suspect he'll need the Very Large Telescope to see it.
5. Everything else which wasn't Catherine Tate (compare her delivery of the line about the
   'outrageous amount of running' involved in being with the Doctor with any line by Agyeman to remind yourself what genuine acting looks like.)
6. Especially the spin-off set-up which was Moffet's gung-ho, 'I'm off to the stars' final speech (Steven Moffat's idea seemingly, the complete arse).
   

Actually, for all that I don't like Gridlock I wasn't surprised (IIRC) that some people liked it. But I'm gobsmacked anyone thought that either the ludicrous 'GI Joe versus The Baddies from the Power Rangers' or Georgia Moffat as the Doctor's Spin-Off was anything above lacklustre, shoddy and shit.

Oh - and some suggested spin-offs for Cardiff to consider, as promised back at the top of the page.

Doctor Who Kids: A seven year old Doctor and his team of Gallifreyan Rug Rats solve a series of mysteries involving dodgy Castellans pretending to be ghosts and projecting giant pirates onto the river to hide their smuggling activites. Cartoon, 2 x 15 minute per episode.

Dixon of Doctor Green: The TARDIS turns into a normal police box and, through a series of unlikely co-incidences including his ability to survive death, the Doctor is mistaken for PC George Dixon, a job he fills for many, many years of pretty dull crime fighting. Black and White. 30 minute episodes.

Fonzie and the Doctor Who Gang: Arthur Fonzarelli from Happy Days is accidentally cryogenically frozen and is revived in the year Seven Apple Condom Fourteen. Soon he's involved in wacky high-jinks and motorcycle related mayhem alongside his henchcreatures, Cassandra and the Face of Boe. Color. 22 minutes episodes plus adverts.

Other reviews worth reading: Rob, Simon, Louise, Daniel, Kelly and Tim